on the way back Sunday, July 05, 2009

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today is another day of random and fleeting thoughts, which explains the 3rd entry for the 5th july.

first up. now that the zoo has rejected me (by ignoring my resume) im abit confused about what i should do. to head down to every vet clinics in the west to ask for volunteer again OR?

on the point of animals, was supposed to go down to frog farm today but xx hurt her back =/ supposed to go down to bottle tree in the evening to meet the OG but im so cash strapped. BUT being poor hasnt stopped cons and i from purchasing a pair of havaianas each! HEEHEE : D it was mad cheap at $20/ pair! i mean obviously not CHEAP but compared to its original value!! and and and i've been wanting to get a new pair of slippers so that i can preserve the one i have at home.

last night i looked at them i was actually envious. envy is a sin and i was sinning. but i was so envious. i saw us in them. exact identical same old replica.

why like that? why make all unhappy? why so not edifying? what happened?!?!?!?!?!?! concern means concern la. why hide? anything wrong in being jealous? seriously dont understand lehhh. i apologize for the gross grammatical structure cause i dont see how i can rephrase it more aptly.

and seriously. the past 2 nights when i bathe i always wonder why the water is burning hot on my legs. then i realize its the water stinging my raw flesh where the skin has peeled cause of the killer heels i wore for service last night =/ i remember promising myself once that i'd never compromise comfort for beauty. SHEESH.

anyway ystd whilst serving, i felt slight joy for just a short moment, though most of the times it was just an emptiness behind the joyful countenance. my 2 months is almost up, but no decision has been made as of yet. so i guess like what eva said, ask for an extended period. its like a hope im still clinging onto, but factors holding me back. many times in this aspect, i've been reminded of the story of the prodigal child and i see myself as him, and see Him waiting very patiently. and i'd always remember what this person once told me 'it is when u feel empty and u keep holding on then god moves.' when im faithless, u remain faithful.

past few days i really realize no one can fill the emptiness inside of me. its just so temporal, so so temporal. ok. not emo but just a revelation. i've tried making promises to myself to continue doing what's right. no emo no emo.

i wanna bake durian cake and make tortilla wraps ): wanted to buy durians when i was down at BPP but i didnt know how. GEEZ. and omg. i had a RAGING URGE to walk up the slope just now when i was at the bus stop ): SO NEAR YET SO FAR.

today, i realized 3 things:
1) there's so much i have to ACCEPT ( in my situation, my family) i nearly ran out of house with my mum's behaviour ):
2) there's so much i have to LEARN from people around
3) there's so much i have to IMPROVE on ):

to this point, 1 word: sorry.

this is abit difficult. ok. i have no idea if u r still reading but its addressed to u FC.

look im not perfect, i make repeated mistakes. i repeat offences and sometimes dont even know how i upset you. you gonna stay mad and ignore me till when? when im mad, i lose control and u ask why. its difficult and drives me mad but i learnt to manage my anger. now that u r mad, i also request that u control ur anger. we dont have much time left. look im sorry ok? can u stop staying mad and stop ignoring me and stop asking me to go away? it's not nice ok? im not perfect theres so much more i have to learn .. i wont go till i receive forgiveness

gosh im so hooked onto insomnia and i just keep shouting the lyrics out at home.

i just can't go to sleep
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And i know that it's love because

I can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more
Oh i stay up til you're next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah,
Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah,
Feels like insomnia ah ah

ripped this off jiejie's :) CY was telling some of his dirtiest childhood stories.

homed
11:02 PM